I AM SO CONFUSED, I COULD JUST EXPLODE

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Just relieving some stress by writing it off.

So once again I'm caught in a dilemma. It's like I can't do anything right. Last September I started on university with Fiscal Law as my major. However, the first year is pretty much common law. And till today, I still don't know why I actually chose to study Fiscal Law. When I was younger, I did thought of myself studying Economy and Law together. But as I grew older my love for fashion grew as well. But since I was on pre-university education, I did not want to go to college (over here there is a difference between college and university, university is on a higher level, fashion is on a lower level). I also had to redo two classes, so I was 19/20 before I could start with uni.

Before, in one of the summer holidays during high school I went to Japan (and Korea), where I visited a fashion university. I was sold and I was convinced that I wanted to study there. However, I also liked anthropology and I believed I could combine it with fashion. So when I finished high school I chose anthropology as my major and Japanese as my minor. Because in order to study in Japan, you'll need to know the language. But I found out I couldn't take Japanese as my minor and after one day I didn't like anthropology. So I switched to Japanese as major. However, after two weeks I already hated it. So I switched to Korean, because I liked the music, entertainment and the fashion. But I didn't do shit and I kinda failed. Kpop kinda died on me too and there were only 6 other (lame) students, so Korean wasn't really cut out for me either. But fashion didn't fail on me.

I convinced myself I quit Korean in order to study Fashion. So I entered the admittance procedure, but in the meanwhile my grandpa fell ill back in Surinam. And my mom went to him to take care of him. I finished up my work and sent it in. My mom came back for my birthday, but I totally ruined my birthday because I was so emotional. My grandpa worsened and my mom arranged for him to come back. He went to the hospital and I visited him everyday. In the meanwhile I got the letter of my work and I got through to the next round. Which I had to do another assignment for. But then we heard my grandfathers illness was incurable, so I postponed the assignment and visited him everyday. It was really hard on us, especially for my mom. I tried to be a good daughter and help her whenever I could. The situation in my family (I always mean relatives by this) didn't made it any easier. Most of my aunts and uncles had have some sort of resentment against my mother, so they tried to kind of annoy her or something. It was a really awkward time and honestly I try to forget all about it. After weeks of horror, my grandpa died and it didn't matter how sad I was, I had to finish my assignment.

After finishing the assignment, I had to study for an economy test I had to take in order for my admittance. But I couldn't put myself to studying for it, so I made the test without actually working hard for it. Then I received my letter of acceptance and I was happy. I had the meeting with my class etcetera and I wasn't really fond of my class. The large majority of my class was white, and don't get me wrong I am NOT AT ALL racist! I just grew up with mostly foreigners like myself and in my family there's a lot of negativity about whites (but not in a racist kind of way!). So to me, it's just that I don't know how to act around them. And there's also that, I'm not really great in making friends, so I was kind of dumbfounded and felt like I didn't belong there. And the fact that I was still so sad about my grandpa made me really confused. I never lost someone I loved before, so I had (and still have) no idea how to deal with it. Going to fashion school just didn't seem important any more.

In the meanwhile, I still had to get back the results of my economy test. And I knew I blew it, I just secretly hoped the results would equal to that. And they did and I couldn't retake the test, because I took the test on the latest available date. But after mailing with the school, I could retake the test. But rethinking everything didn't want me to retake it, instead I chose to study something else. And I only had a few days to change from college/university. And I still wanted to do something with fashion, my dream is to have my own business (in fashion). So I though something with economy would be a good choice. But since I didn't take economy in high school, this wasn't an option. My cousin had just finished Fiscal Law and she always said it was fun, and I have another cousin that chose to major in Fiscal Law as well. So I though, maybe it's good to choose for that if you want to start a business. And my other cousin (which I never had contact with before btw, until my grandpa died) was going to major Fiscal Law as well, so I thought I would at least know one person. When my grandpa was still in the hospital I was really close with her. But there was all this stuff going on with family, so I had kind of ignored her lately. So it was weird between us. Luckily I still made at least one friend, lol.

But after months, it turned out I still wanted to study fashion. And I had all kind of ideas combining fashion with Fiscal Law. But when I told my mom, she wasn't as exited as me. She got angry, because when I started with Fiscal Law, I promised her I would not stop. And to her it felt like I broke my promise. And I got angry, because she got angry. And we didn't spoke for days. And it made me think, she was right. But I couldn't ignore that I want to study fashion. And I didn't go to classes for a week, and then Christmas and New Year's past and I still felt the same. My mom went to Surinam again and I had some exams which I pretty much ruined. And last week I've been thinking.

What do I really want?! Last couple of years I keep starting things but I never finish. And I hate that about myself. It makes me wonder if it's because of myself or my choices. Am I just incapable of studying or did I made the wrong decisions? Why do I want to quit Fiscal Law, because I don't like it, because I want to go to fashion school, or because I'm failing. It makes me question myself and feel like a total failure, like I'm too stupid for university (which I'm not??!). I really don't know if I should quit or not, it feels wrong, just because of the word quitting and because my parents already invested money into law school (btw law school isn't more expensive than other school over here!). But on the other hand I tried convincing myself I like fiscal law, but reality caught up with me. I like fashion better, I know it. But if I go to fashion school, will I be able to finish it? Won't I just quit again after 6 months, or fail under the pressure that it brings? Fashion school isn't easy, it brings a lot of stress and I know I can't handle too much stress. But does it mean I should take the easier road? But what is the easier road? Quitting law school? Or fashion school?

I give myself a deadline to make a decision, two weeks should be enough, I think. I will wait until I get the grades of my last exams. Those will probably tell me where I stand and what I'm (not) capable of.

*Sigh* fml.

6 comments:

The GUILTY HYENA said...

I can understand the dilemma's you've faced.

I myself cannot spend my complete energies with one task or one field. I have a interest in so many fields, but it was tough to pick which one to study. Though I like Fashion, I felt it was best to keep it as a hobby. I decided to take up I.T, as I've always enjoyed web design and gadgets.

When I studied I.T, 70% of the module's was dull as dishwater, I just persevered with it, though it helped having a few friends to help each other get through it. I think any course you study, at least 50% of it will not be fun, even if the subject is your fave.

The GUILTY HYENA said...

One thing to take in consideration once you've completed a degree in one field, doesn't necessarily mean you're stuck in that field and can only be employed in that field, There's graduate school and other mini courses for you to shuffle around to your desired job.

The GUILTY HYENA said...

I don't know how it works in the Netherlands, over here 1st year doesn't count as long as you pass the year. Just ask yourself do you want to do another 2 years and half with Fiscal Law?

anjj said...

Thanks for your wise words!! :)
For me it's still 3 and a half years Fiscal Law, IF I go through with it that is. And that is definitely not what I want to go through.
Actually, the question for me now is, if I want to finish this year, when I know I will fail it. The time for unaccountability (? /not let it count) passed already too, yesterday.
And I know what you mean, I also have many interests, but fashion is what I enjoy most. Still, I have no clue if that means it's the best choice for education as well. But, I've tried so many courses already and neither one of them was a success, so to me it almost seems like my only option. But it's true, there will be subjects which will be less enjoyable.
There are so many things to take into consideration, it cracks my head.

The GUILTY HYENA said...

Just from reading your last comment- Fashion is what you want to do! Go for it Do it. It will have plenty of coursework and practical work, but you can slowly do the work ahead of time. So that way you'll feel less stressed, < though I know that's easily said and done!! I always left mine to last minute, It was the only way I can work when under pressure. Though at times it got ridiculous haha.

Anyway's if you ever need to discuss anything ever, feel free to DM me, via twitter or email :)

anjj said...

Thank you for your help! I guess I will just stop with Fiscal Law, I haven't gone to any classes since NYE either, so I should just prepare myself for fashion school.
And yes I should work ahead, though I sometimes work better under pressure too. But lately stress has been killing me, so I need to work ahead.

And thanks, you're really the sweetest :)

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